Best jokes of all time Read online

  Best

  Jokes of all

  Time

  Sharan Khan

  Sharan Khan’s Books

  Islamabad, Pakistan

  Top Jokes of all time - Smashwords Edition

  Published by Sharan Khan at Smashwords

  Copyright © 2013 by Sharan Khan

  ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………............

  Joke 1:

  Police: where do u live?

  Me: with my parents

  Police: where does ur parents live?

  Me: with me

  Police: where do u all live?

  Me: together

  Police: where is ur house?

  Me: next to my neighbors house

  Police: where is your neighbors house?

  Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.

  Police: tell me

  Me: next to my house

  Joke 2:

  Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

  *Nobody stands up*

  Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

  *Little Johnny stands up*

  Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

  Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

  Joke 3:

  Cop: "Did you kill this man?"

  Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

  Joke 4:

  Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

  911: Alright, What is it?

  Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

  911: So what's your emergency?

  Boy: The ugly one is winning.

  Joke 5:

  Boy: The principal is so dumb!

  Girl: Do you know who I am?

  Boy: No...

  Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

  Boy: Do you know who I am?

  Girl: No...

  Boy: Good! *walks away*

  Joke 6:

  Something To Do When You're Bored:

  1. Catch a fly.

  2. Put it in the freezer.

  3. Wait 10 minutes.

  4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.

  5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.

  6. Tie it around the fly.

  7. Wait till it wakes up.

  BAM! Your very own pet fly

  Joke 7:

  *Hott Girl's Facebook Status*

  "Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

  *My status*

  "Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

  Joke 8:

  3 years old: My mom is the best!

  7 years old: Mom I love you!

  10 years old: Mom what ever!

  17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!

  25 years old: I wanna go back home!

  35 years old: Mom you were right

  50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!

  70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!

  Joke 9:

  Boy: Hi.

  Girl: I have a boyfriend.

  Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.

  Joke 10:

  Q: Is google a boy or girl?

  A: Obviously a girl because it wont let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

  Joke 11:

  A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

  Joke 12:

  My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"

  I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."

  Joke 13:

  My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

  Joke 14:

  girl - baby im wet.

  Boy - want a paper towel?

  Girl - no, i want more then that ;)

  Boy - want 2 paper towels?

  Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)

  Boy - damn you want the whole roll?

  Joke 15:

  Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

  Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

  Guy: Do they swell?

  Girl: No. They spread.

  Joke 16:

  Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.

  #Based on a true story

  Joke 17:

  I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start.

  "I'm gonna beat your ass... I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up

  Joke 18:

  If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?

  Oh wait... Twilight

  Joke 19:

  Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless your in prison.

  Joke 20:

  FIRETRUCK GAME

  Boy: Let's play the firetruck game.

  Girl: How do you play?

  Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say "redlight" when you want me to stop.

  Girl: Okay :)

  *Few seconds later*

  Girl: REDLIGHT!!

  Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for redlights ;)

  Joke 21:

  Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.

  Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?

  Teacher: Technically. Yes.

  Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...

  Teacher: what?

  Student: what?

  Joke 22:

  A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after

  Every 10 sec a

  woman gives birth to a kid.

  A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

  Joke 23:

  Sardar-why r all these people running?

  Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

  Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r

  others running?

  Joke 24:

  Sardar-why r all these people running?

  Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

  Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r

  others running?

  Joke 25:

  Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence

  into future tense.

  Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

  Joke 26:

  Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was

  not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary

  Expected".

  After much thought he wrote: Yes!

  Joke 27:

  Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant

  it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an

  umbrella and go.

  Joke 28:

  Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer

  gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else

  return my 20 Rs

  back.

  Joke 29:

  Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet

  Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have

  posted it....

  Joke 30:

  Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died

  p
eacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the

  passengers in the car he was driving..

  Joke 31:

  Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible

  looking thing is

  what you call modern art ?

  Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

  Joke 32:

  Sardar was writing something very slowly.

  Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?

  Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

  Joke 33:

  Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local

  sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still

  digging for more..

  Joke 34:

  A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not

  in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".

  Joke 35:

  Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

  Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

  Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

  Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

  Joke 36:

  Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles

  and lighten your burden.

  Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or

  troubles.

  Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

  Joke 37:

  Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to

  give up my seat to a lady.

  Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

  Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

  Joke 38:

  A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if

  my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,

  "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

  Joke 39:

  Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

  Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

  Joke 40:

  A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

  My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said

  another.

  Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

  Joke 41:

  Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

  Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

  Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.

  Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"

  Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

  Joke 42:

  Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"

  It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

  Joke 43:

  What is a girl friend?

  Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

  Joke 44:

  Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest

  waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20

  supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

  Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara

  Falls?"

  Joke 45:

  Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

  If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

  The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

  The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

  Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

  The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

  "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

  To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

  Joke 46:

  As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

  "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

  "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

  Joke 47:

  Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  Joke 48:

  What's the definition of lawyer?

  The larval form of a politician

  Joke 49:

  Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"

  Joke 50:

  How do you recognize a Sardar in School?

  He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

  Joke 51:

  once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the

  weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

  Joke 52:

  Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.

  After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. "

  When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?

  (What Happened, My Son?)

  Joke 53:

  The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )

  aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!

  Joke 54:

  Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .

  because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died

  'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

  Joke 55:

  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

  Joke 56:

  ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

  Joke 57:

  ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra'

  Joke 58:

  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

  Joke 59:

  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

  Joke 60:

 
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

  Joke 61:

  Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

  Joke 62:

  Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

  Joke 63:

  I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

  Joke 64:

  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

  Joke 65:

  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. - Joke 66:

  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

  Joke 67:

  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

  Joke 68:

  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'' -

  Joke 69:

  There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

  Joke 70:

  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  Joke 71:

  When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

  Joke 72:

  ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

  Joke 73:

  I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

  Joke 74:

  I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

  Joke 75:

  A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

  Joke 76:

  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

  Joke 77:

  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

  Joke 78:

  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.